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(Red) J.S. and I struggled mightily against the forces of lust tugging at our better judgement... however; the other two test monkeys along for the ride didn't fight quite so valiantly. After a 2 day disappearing act, J.S. and I had to break into the Boulevard lair of the dark Frau Bruekkku and her Viagra-fueled Wood-Nymph sidekick Lulu and physically carry our bedazzled comrades off to relative safety. J.S. and I performed a quick deprogramming (again with the help of physicianado Dr. Tequila n Mota) to bring our staff back into the fold. The evil temptrei had drained our heroes of all their life-giving fluids and they were in need of a couple beers to rehydrate before they could tell their story. We left Steamboat in a hurry, headed out on Hwy 40 towards Salt Lake City and a rendezvous with our old friend Sammy Davis Jr. As a rule, I try to avoid travel in Utah and Nevada... but they happen to be in the way when you want to get from Kolorado to Kalifornia so through them we must. And when I must travel through these hippie-hating states, I always stop at Sammys'. He provides a safe house for me in an unsafe State... as long as I bootleg some booze into the evil empire for him to enjoy from the comfort of his porch in his quiet, unsuspecting neighborhood. I easily convince DJ and Max (heads still throbbing from the licking they took) to fill all the free space in their pickup with cases of beer, knowing they could honestly play dumb when stopped by the State Patrol and questioned about their renegade cargo. J.S. and I had other things to worry about if we got stopped; we would get in plenty of trouble on our own for what we were trafficking in on our long trip across the most blessed State of Utah. We cross the arid, windswept plains of western Colorado and eastern Utah in a haze... past dinosaur bones and flaming gorges... stopping only briefly in Roosevelt, UT where J.S. was poisoned by a strange meat substance masquerading as a Hot Pastrami Sandwich. His delirium mirrored my own as we continued on towards a thriving Heber City. The Wasatch Range provided much needed visual relief for our bleary eyed crew as we passed by the world class resorts of Park City, Deer Valley and The Canyons, an easy half-hour drive from the city. We soon drop down into the early evening dusk of the evil empire, passing turnoffs for Big and Little Cottonwood Canyons (homes to Alta, Snowbird, Solitude, Brighton and awesome backcountry skiing). The good and the bad... in such close proximity... It's a shame I didn't discover this bountiful basin instead of Joseph Smith and Co. I would have turned it into Disneyland on Acid, a vast playground and safe-haven for fun-lovers and freaks of all shapes and sizes. But I didn't and so it goes that I must play by the rules established by the Great Temple that dominates the center of it all. I suck in a mouthful of the pure mountain air before we are finally swallowed by the shadows of the city. On the outskirts of town we pass block after block of pawn shops, apparently outlets for sinners to sell off their past and embrace their golden future upon moving to Salt Lake. Next we pass beneath a spanking new, sterile as all hell, UT State Courts building (old haunt of Golden Boy) and finally on to the quiet street north of town that Sammy and Golden Boy call home. Unfortunately Golden Boy is out of town, either fighting for or against the mighty Gates Empire in some MS lawsuit, I'm not sure which, the boy's a mercenary; but we stay up late anyway, talking shit with Sammy, quaffing cold ones and sharing some of Humbolt's finest Indoor Skunk. In the morning we catch a quick breakfast at Dee's Diner thanks to sprightly Asst. Man. Grandma Rose and her daring Dancing Scalding CoffeePots routine. Satiated, we hit US80 briefly and then seek shelter on a smaller road, Hwy36 that dumps us on Hwy6, which in turn leads to Hwy50 in Delta, UT. We are on our way to Lake Tahoe to find Uncle Filthy via the searing heat and vast unknown of Hwy50, the Loneliest Highway in America. We depart Salt Lake City just as the sun crests high overhead.
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