“Come Celebrate New Years Eve with 
    Jaleel White (a.k.a. Steve Urkel) 
    Featuring Hollywood DJ ‘Vicious Lee’ 
    plenty of finger foods and non-alcoholic beverages” 
  “must be 18 or older, ID required, limited tickets, no cameras”

Intriguing...  A friend of mine had met Jaleel last year at the Double Z, a local bbq pit / hard guy hangout, and told me he was pretty cool. Actually he said that Jaleel was “a stud.”  I was soon to discover all too graphically that nothing is further from the truth.  I drop my misinformed friend off downtown to meet his better half. On the most universally celebrated night on the planet, I am headed for a rendezvous with pain and suffering.  Beck's “Loser” comes piping into my car, adding a little bit of irony to a story that needs none.  I laugh out loud, then curse even louder.  I can come up with enough irony on my own thanks.  (Earlier in the evening I had decided that the only way to survive an event like I expected was to arrive in the proper frame of mind... all hopped up on goofballs of course.  Fortunately, I had one in my fridge, left over from a friends trip to Northern Kalifornia.  I downed the goofball and chased it with a fine Merlot.) 

The White family had boldly arranged for patron parking a couple of miles from ground zero.  I pull into the local Elementary School parking lot and am taken aback by the singular lack of cars.  There is a shuttle waiting patiently nearby.  I park in the shadows within easy reach of young vandals out wilding on New Years Eve.  Maybe they will leave the school windows alone and feast instead upon my lonely vehicle.  I look in the rear view mirror and see an expressionless face staring back at me.  I thought about wearing an enormous black Stetson tonight, instead I opted for the secret agent look, not the Wyoming Insurance Agent.  I take a final drag off my cigarette, grab my pack, and steal out into the night.