Now in a daze, I stagger back inside.  Urkel has come down from his roost and is cutting the rug with a blossoming young female, eyes bugging out of his head, goons keeping a secure perimeter.   I find my way to the nog and slosh myself a glass.  Soon I am huddled in the bathroom corner, left wondering what this all means.  I know all too well what the answer is.  I was absolutely correct when I predicted this would be the most horrific New Years Eve I could imagine.  Beads of sweat begin to form on my brow.  Yes, I was confronting my greatest fears in this, my final hour...  and there is no hope...  I splash cold water on my face, not able to look at myself in the mirror... with midnight quickly approaching I had to pull myself together.  I find myself praying to God to drop a bag of pharmaceuticals in my lap.  Certainly something would save this sinking luxury liner.

But nothing could...  I leave my refuge, realizing that the end is near.  Stopping by the “finger foods,” I fill my pockets with complementary pigs-in-a-blanket.  DJ Vicious Lee prolongs our agony with one more lame-ass tune, giving us a countdown around 12:04.  5... 4... 3... 2... 1...  
Midnight arrives and a large cache of balloons falls from a poorly hidden location in the rafters.  Urkel and DJ Vicious Lee look down upon their lowly subjects as balloons rain down upon the 3 or 4 revelers left in attendance.  A young girl hits me in the side of the head with a roll of streamers.  I chug my glass of imitation apple juice and am outside before the last balloon hits the floor... breaking out into the cool night air...  outside to freedom. 

So that is the way I rang in New Years 1998... I never did get close to Urkel but I have a red X tattooed on my hand to prove I was there (a badge of courage in my mind).  I have little doubt that your evening was better than mine was; for that you should be grateful.  But beware... a horrible evening like this may still lurk in your future... a creepy child star may worm his way into your nightmares...  Watch out!  Don't take the bait like I did.  And at least I have virtually guaranteed myself great New Years Eves to come, right?  Right...  Anyway... 

I'm bitter, really bitter...  and yes, Urkel still sucks.